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Two People You Could Do Without at the Gym

I know there are literally hundreds of articles on the webz concerning how many assholes workout in the gym and why you should avoid them. I figured the strategy I could use here to get you to keep reading would be to supplement each asshole with a real-life story. Each story I tell here, or on this blog is 100% true. If you think this isn't true, then:

Why did this ever go away?

I want to preface this article by letting you know that I am probably one the most unapproachable human beings in the gym. I notice that I walk around with an expression on my face that says that someone is holding a microwaved pile of hippo shit underneath my nose, but that isn't even the worst part. The worst part is what I wear to the gym. I wear incredibly short shorts and Vibram Five-Fingers. For those of you that don't know what Five-Fingers are, go ahead and Google "Natural Female Repellent" and you should get the idea. The short shorts are comfortable. And I have great legs, that's really all I have to say about that. Furthermore, I sweat like I just ate a ghost chili. In July. In Death Valley. Wearing a snowmobiling suit. I am not one of the guys who doesn't wipe off my machines, though. Mostly because I'm not a lazy asshole. Should there be a section about me dressing like an 85-year old man and sweating like a 20-year old Kenyan? Yes. But this is my blog and I'm biased as fuck.



                                                      

My clothing, my face, and my sweat make me a person not many people are willing to talk to. Which, frankly, I am okay with. The gym to me is the only time during the day where I don't have to think about anything or talk to anyone. An hour or so where I have a clear mind. Where I can listen to Adele on full blast and not have to worry if anyone is watching me dance. Either way, I like the silence. That's also why I work out in the morning. That doesn't mean I'm unfriendly when I'm approached, I just tend to mind my own beeswax while I'm in the gym.

Without further introduction, here's two people who I could seriously do without while working out.

The Expert

This morning, I was approached by this guy. He actually inspired me to write this article because his behavior needs to stop immediately. Whether it is your first day ever in the gym, or you've been working out for ten years, approximately NO one wants advice on how you think it's better to lift with your legs than your lower back. Especially if you are kind of a chubby dude. If someone has to even question whether or not there's a support system for your breasts under your shirt, then it's best to just work out and keep your head down.

                                                       

                                                     I'm fairly sure this is the shirt he had on.

So, this guy comes up to me while I am doing cleans this morning and says:

"Hey buddy, you know that Five Fingers aren't really good for your feet and legs when doing cleans? You should really look into the Reebok so and so..."

I find that the best way to exit an unwanted conversation is to appear as uninterested as possible, keep the responses to one-syllable words, and put your earbuds back in as soon as possible. So, I nodded, said a few "yeahs" and moved on. What I was confused about was why he continued to speak about how he is a crossfit instructor for some bullshit and how everyone in his class is "huge motherfuckin' pussies". Keep in mind, this Middle-Eastern gentleman went about 5'10'' and was a doughy 185. He then told me that I would be able to "get more power" if I exploded from my hips more.



Unfortunately, my sarcastic responses and looks are largely wasted on strangers

I could have been a total asshole, because frankly, I know what I'm doing in the gym, and I don't need some chode telling me how to do shit. And if he was even remotely correct about his observation, hell, I'd be receptive. But he wasn't. But I just shook my head, put my headphones back in and moved on. Being a student of the human douchebag, I kept seeing him talking to strangers giving his unsolicited "advice". And, as if some sort of twisted game, he only approached the people who were lightyears ahead of him in terms of being in-shape.



This was his gym bag.

It's important to note that this buttwipe was carrying a large pill bottle of BCAAs for some odd reason, a notebook, and a fucking GIGANTIC cup from Starbucks. Either a Frappe', Mochacino, Frappacino, or whatever has about 2,800 calories in it. The worst part of it though was that he thought after our intital one-sided conversation, that him and I were pals. So buddy-buddy were we, that the next time he threw his hand up in the air to high five me. That happened. As Jerry Seinfeld would say "slapping hands in the lowest form of male interaction".

This is decidely not what it was like.

The final straw was he came and sat down on a bench adjacent to where I was lifting some heavy-ass weight...like I be doing. And he says this:

"You know what pisses me off, bro? You try and give motherfuckers advice, and they give you lip. You see those two bitches over there? I was trying to tell them how to squat and all they did was give me attitude. When I do squats, my ass almost touches the floor, I don't get why they won't listen to me."

That's verbatim. That was actually said to me, who is a stranger to him. There were two girls doing squats just fine but he took it upon himself to tell them how to lift weights like a world-class gym-genius. I nodded and shrugged my shoulders to say, non-verbally, "what are you going to do, bro? bitches be trippin'".

Here's why this behavior needs to stop: as a person giving unsolicited advice, you don't give a shit if that person is lifting properly or even if that stranger injures him/herself. You care about asserting how much you know about exercising to everyone who has ears connected to their heads. No matter how little that knowledge base may be. You care about letting everyone know that you know what's best for everyone in terms of exercising. So, please, for the love of my sanity, do everyone a favor and please just shut up and get some exercising done.

Just some friendly advice!

The Person Who Doesn't Put Their Weights Away

I'm actually insanely jealous of this person. I'm jealous because the world is their oyster, all they have to do is slurp up the oyster and someone else is responsible for dealing with the shell. This is the person who thinks they are entitled to everything the world has to offer, and frankly, fuck everyone else.



Garfield, you smug son of a bitch.

There are many implications about a person's personality who piles weight onto a machine, lifts it, and then leaves it, because "it isn't their responsibility". There was a guy who piled 315 pounds onto a squat rack (see: weight a girl would use), did a few sets of shrugs while grunting like someone was using his balls like a boxing speed bag (that guy is a whole 'nother article). He then drops his weight like a rapper drops a microphone after a rap battle and walks away.

"I'm done, bitches!"

The problem here, and there are many, is that leaving that much weight on the bar literally ruins the bar. It literally bends the bar. Thus ruining the bar for the next however many years it's in the gym. Not only that, but then some other poor person, maybe not as badass at lifting all the weights in the gym, has to remove all of the weight for you. I just don't understand how someone can be that inconsiderate. It's mind-boggling.

I don't even really have anything funny to say about this person. It's such an incredible asshole move, that doing it makes me want to beat this person into submission. This person is also the person that slams his weights around because, who the fuck cares if it breaks? It's not their gym. It is however, outrageously distracting. And however badass you think you look, every person in the gym looks at you like an attention-wanting crotch.

There are many more people to write about, especially in the gym, but I don't want to be long-winded, and this is already pretty lengthy.

Other people in the gym to write about later:

The person on their cell phone

The girl who gets dressed up/make-up

The guy with too many accessories (hats, cell phones, etc)



I've Been Inspired...Finally.



I've white-boarded the idea of starting a blog for sometime now, but have never been able to justify it, because frankly, who gives a shit what I think? The answer is probably maybe a good 5 to 6 people, but even that might be generous. I honestly think of the biggest problems with social media is that too many people are under the impression that there are hundreds of people out there that give a shit what they are thinking, eating, what their kids are doing, or who they are currently hanging out with. I know that's super cynical, but really, the only person who cares about the Instagram photo of pasta you just posted is well, you. And maybe some serious pasta enthusiasts. But they are few and far between.

The whole point of this blog isn't to capture you with scintillating thought-provoking subjects, it's more or less a way to decompress my head's thoughts. My mind races at most times. I like to think that I am a student of the human condition. With that, however, comes constant trains of thought as to the behaviors of those around me.

This is me. Thinking about shit.

Unfortunately, this also means I have the attention-span of a dead goldfish. However, visiting the airport and going to the gym this morning has inspired me to write something because curiousity is getting the better of me. Which brings me to my very first blog-post: People You Could Do Without at the Gym.